Creating When Life Tries To Stop You.

No baby, if you’re going to create you’re going to create whether you work 16 hours a day in a coal mine or you’re going to create in a small room with 3 children while you’re on welfare, you’re going to create with part of your mind and your body blown away, you’re going to create blind crippled demented, you’re going to create with a cat crawling up your back while the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment, flood and fire.  Baby, air and light and time and space have nothing to do with it and don’t create anything except maybe a longer life to find new excuses for ~Charles Bukowski

doug photo

Doug brought me the photo from my desk.

It’s been hard to stay creative these past few days. Monday, December 16th, is when I go to court to try and gain custody of Daughter 2, or at the very least prevent her mother from moving her hundreds of miles away.

I’ve been trying to juggle everything that needs to get done- Preparing a narrative for court, making sure my arguments are in order, running around collecting information and meeting with my attorney… And maintaining my blog and my relationship with my readers.

It feels like there are roadblocks in my path lately… I haven’t been able to concentrate on writing and illustrating as much as I want to…

I haven’t been researching how to expand my blog, or business strategies, or how to market products…

I’ve been plugging away, doing the minimum of blog duties- I post, I answer my messages and I read some other blogs (but not enough lately).

My daughter as a newborn and me.

My daughter as a newborn and me.

I thought I was burning out… Until Doug brought me the photo I keep on my desk.

It seems like only yesterday that my daughter came home from the hospital all pink and bald… I still think of her as she is in this photo… As my baby.

I realized I’m not burning out on blogging… I love what I’m doing and the relationships I’m developing while doing it.

I’m not burning out, I just don’t have a lot of spare emotions left lately, after facing the idea that I may see my daughter an awful lot less than I do now…

Life will stamp out you desire to create, to change and to improve if you let it. Or, it will inspire you, drive you and reshape you into whatever you wish to be.

The choice is in how you deal with all the issues that crop up and get in the way of what you really want to be doing.

Waiting for life to happen.

Waiting for life to happen.

The next few days (and today too) are going to take a toll on me and my desire to create… If I let them. I feel like curling up in a ball and waking up when it’s over… But I won’t… I haven’t. I wrote this post instead.

And now I’ll go do the other stuff that needs to get done- The legal stuff, the argument preparation, the worrying in spite of myself…

I’m not burned out on blogging, or on life… I’m burned out on fear and worrying… But I can change that. How I react to a situation is entirely up to me, and I’m tired of feeling upside down in life.

 

 

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34 comments

  1. You can do It 🙂

    1. And in monkey style!

  2. This is one of those tests of your commitment. And it’s clear you’re doing the work and passing the test. Creating is how you express your life purpose. And creating will allow you to shape the life you want for yourself AND your family. Good luck!

    1. Thank you- This has been and continues to be a year of tests. I’ve made it so far, and will continue to thrive… Thank you for sharing your thoughts about creating… They’ve inspired me.

  3. I believe that our lives are orchestrated from above – call it our higher sense of self/ the universal life force/ divine intelligence… Show up in peace and know that the same benevolent energy that is guiding and watching over you is also for your precious daughter. Sending you much light, love, tenderness and internal strength.

    1. Thanks Susan- I practice this belief but sometimes forget that it’s what I believe… Life has a way of focusing our views onto tiny bits of now, and causing us to forget the pig picture for a while… At least, that happens to me sometimes.

  4. Wishing you lots of strength – your love for your daughter and for your life with all your goals and dreams will pull you through this tough patch!

    1. Thanks! I’m trusting that things will turn out as they’re supposed to, because it can’t be any other way… Worrying won’t change the outcome. Thanks for the well wishes and the reminder…

  5. I’m wishing you the best in your situation with your daughter. Be encouraged!

    1. Thank you. I am encouraged, by you and by all of the other thoughtful people who have commented here today. Things will turn out for the best.

  6. Sounds very stressful! I can’t believe the amount of posts you’re able to put up considering. I’ll be praying it all goes well for you. Stay present and positive.

    1. Thank you- I’ve worked hard to get my blog where it is and don’t want it to go fallow because of issues I’m dealing with. I’ll still be here after everything is over,and so will my blog. Thanks for the prayers…

  7. I learned the hardest way that making schedules is so important; I was never good at that before, and it made my life a living hell. ^^;

    1. Same here. I have a schedule through December right now, but I’ve been changing it daily as events unfold…

  8. Currently Im a full time caregiver for my Mom who’s been battling lymphoma the past three years, I can relate to how stressful it can be trying to juggle your stuff with needs of others.

    1. Being a caregiver is difficult. I know that guilt often goes hand in hand with wanting some alone time in those situations. Good luck, and well wishes for your mom.

  9. You create every single day. Right now you are creating a more stable life with your daughter. Creating thoughts for her of how much you love her, and she will see evidence of that in court documents. You are creating thoughts and actions.. You’re still creative! Sometimes we have to create peace.

    1. Hey Lorraine- Thanks for the kind words. You’re right… I am creating our reality right now. I will remain strong and fashion it as I feel it should be, and that includes some much needed peace.

  10. I was thinking of you when writing my last post. Life is a funny thing, my man. I can’t be certain what is to come. I can only be certain to do my best to create what I can and accept the rest.
    My best to you.

    1. Thanks Glenn. I just responded to your latest post before I saw this comment! We can’t be certain of the future, all we can do is choose how we’ll meet it…

  11. Fear is such an immobiliser. It so often stops us from seeing the bigger picture, or even to see the reasons why it came up in the first place. Asking yourself why you have the fear, taking it right back to basics, can help clarify the issues. What precisely are you afraid of? No matter the outcome John, your daughter is still your daughter, you still love her, I am sure she still loves you, you can still have contact, speak, love and laugh together. If the outcome is not what you hope for, how can you see the positives? How can you still maintain your relationship with her – maybe on Skype, letters, photos, phone calls, visits. I have lived away from the family I grew up with for many, many years, and although I miss them, the moments we have together, when they happen, are all the more special because of it. Having said all that, I sincerely hope you get the outcome you wish for, try and stay positive, and let your focus go where it’s needed. We (your blog supporters) will be here for you when you have time to return!

    1. Thank you Penny! You always have great wisdom to share… I’m afraid that once my daughter moves away, she’ll never live near me again. I worry about the future, when she has her own children. I want to be a part of that, and not just the grandparent the kids are forced to call but never see…

      I believe things are going to work out as I hope though… We have a strong case… I’ll be free to talk about it after the day in court and the decision is rendered.

      Thanks again Penny, for offering a shoulder to lean on all the way from the bottom of the globe!

      1. You are most welcome, I hope I didn’t sound too preachy, I was just hoping to offer you support, so that whatever happens, you know your supporters will help you get through it! We all have struggles of one kind or another, and having a network of supportive people can help when things get tough. Thank you for feeling also that you can share your deepest thoughts with others you’ve only recently met (and not face to face at that!). It shows a great trust. Good luck.

      2. Penny-You do not come across as preachy… I appreciate your insight and support…You are one of my first supporters! Thank you…

  12. my motto . . . face your fear and smack it in the teeth . . . yesterday I found out I have glaucoma . . . SHIT! . . .

    you can do it . . . . so can I.

    1. Thanks Jim. I know not to let myself get bogged down in worry, but it sometimes still happens… Sorry to hear about your glaucoma… When you start smacking your fear aim for it’s eye!

  13. Sending hope and encouragement to you! Just remember the end goal, your daughter. You can do it! Smile through the bad times, “…you are the love and joy beneath the pain.” Thankful you posted that quote, it reminded me to stay strong and smile through my bad times too, a situation much like yours. Only, I’m the daughter. 🙂
    Hoping everything turns out well for you and your family.

    1. Hey Audrianna- Thanks for taking the time to add your thoughts. I;m sorry that you found yourself in a similar situation… How long ago were you dealing with this, or are you still?

  14. I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling that way sometimes. We all keep fighting. You keep up the good work and keep ‘fighting’.

    1. Thank you. I am, and I will. Life will continue to happen no matter how I feel. I may as well be at peace…

  15. Hi, John! I know you will do great. You’re an amazing loving soul and they will see that. And as you said, worrying won’t change that. I heard that visualizing the process and the outcome that you want helps very much. I’m sending lots of love and supportive energy. 🙂

    1. Hi Alla- Thank you for the support! I’m working on the visualizing… I appreciate you taking the time to write, and to send the positive energy my way. I’m lucky to have readers like you…

  16. You are doing a great job. It’s OK if your don’t give 110% to your blog during this time. The fact that you are still creating as much as your are right now is amazing. Continue to have courage! You will have time to get back to your creative life the way you want to soon. Remember to take care of yourself. Best wishes to you, John.

    1. Thank you Joanna- I don’t want to just ignore my blog because I’ve worked hard to get it where it is… But I have lots to do besides the blog… I’m letting it all stress me when it shouldn’t… Oh well. Life gets crazy sometimes.

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